Mindful Conversations: Rethinking Boundaries Through Self-Knowledge and Empowerment

_{This article is sponsored by Michael Towers Counselling.}

In the third installment of this series, Michael Towers invites us to rethink the idea of boundaries from a non-pathologizing perspective. In therapy, the intervention for “unhealthy boundaries” is often to put the responsibility on the client to somehow convince others that their boundary has value and should be respected. This is often done through emphasizing more assertive ways of communicating.

Michael challenges this notion by digging into the historical and societal context that shapes how we think about boundaries today. He highlights how boundaries, particularly for women, have been framed within the patriarchal frameworks that dominate our society, communicating the message that women are responsible for relationships. Out of this imposed behavioural expectation comes psychotherapy’s intervention of communication when working with a client struggling with boundaries.

Michael’s approach to boundaries is clear when he states, “it’s enough that you are aware of your boundaries,” he asserts. “You don’t ever have to communicate them, convince others, or remind them of your boundaries.” Boundaries, he goes on to say, comes out of the differentiated self and the more you know who you are and how you want to be known, the clearer those boundaries are going to be for you. You never need to defend why you have a particular boundary. It is simply enough that you have them.

Michael then introduces us to the concept of "respecting your no”, which comes from the presupposition that others will not. Respecting your no means that you take action when a boundary has been crossed. That action may include leaving an immediate situation or perhaps even assessing whether you want to remain in a particular system because the use of boundaries is to keep yourself safe in every system you are connected.

Finally, Michael encourages you to be selfish, though not in the way you might think. “I’m inviting you to be self-reflective – what are your needs? and self-aware – what are your emotions?” he explains. “Are you practicing self-care?” The idea here is that as you are selfish, the best version of yourself is available for others and out of this knowing of oneself, boundaries will naturally emerge, and it will always be enough that you know what they are without any obligation to try and convince others that your boundaries are okay.